I was so young and yet so naive. I did not have much experience in life. It never hit me so hard,  never experienced any difficulties while growing up. Things were just perfect, so I thought. Woke up every day happy and full of joy. Yes,  people have their on and offs, but mine never really mattered.

Well, it was a day like any other day, woke up went to school. Coming back from school tired and exhausted.  Decided to go to bed early, only to wake up because of the yelling noises from my sisters. Got out of bed in full confusion asking myself what could be happening 

Only to see my grandmother laying on the flow, being attacked by a stroke. I stood there motionless, feeling numb. Not knowing what to do, got hit by this heavy feeling that I couldn’t explain. The first time seeing someone so helpless, I just rolled into tears.

I was so young, didn’t know what to do, who to call, or how to help. Full of confusion, having to watch my number one love, in so much pain. I remember my heart was so painful, my chest was full of these aches that I couldn’t take away.  Everything seems so dark, felt like the world is closing in on me.

Days went by, with my grandmother hospitalized. I got used to the idea of having her in hospital, got used to the visiting hours. Family members were there to show moral support. My grandmother laying in those beds, not talking nor moving. Wanted to tell her that I love her and how sorry I am for the little stupid things I did as a kid.

I held her hand and decided to pray with her,  then we left. Little did I know, that was the last time we saw her breathing. The next morning we went to see her, she wasn’t in the room we left her. Told my sisters that she was there,  but now she is not.  Sitting there my heart rate increasing, then the doctors told the elders that she is no more. 

We went home, they sat us down and broke the news to us as we were kids. We didn’t understand as much as they did. My sister just up and left, I broke into tears again, for the whole day. I couldn’t eat anymore,  I could not sleep, I just did not understand what I did so wrong.

Was it me?  Did the prayer set her free? I was the last person to see and touch her. But I just prayed with her, that is it. I could not stop crying and asking my self what went wrong. Life felt unfair, why my grandmother. I grew up calling her mom, I loved her most.  Why did God have to take her?

Well, God gives and takes at his time. Days went, preparing to bury her. Yes, we did,  we said our final goodbyes.  People left, families went back to their homes.  We had to accept that what happened, happened and let go.

People moved on, I felt like they have forgotten about her so quickly. I wanted to just live in that moment so that I did not have to feel like I am forgetting about her. Unfortunately,  I realized that I cannot be stuck at that moment forever. I came back to life, to reality and it felt okay.

Memories would come and go. I would miss her some days and be okay on other days. When days were bad,  I would wish she was there to comfort me, to tell me is going to be fine. She was gone, nowhere to be seen, she left me. I still needed her in my life. I still needed her love and guidance.

I wanted her to be there to see my first child. I wanted her to be there when I graduate. I wanted her to be there when I get married, to taste my first salary. To see how good I have done. But she was gone, I felt so alone. During the day I would be surrounded by people and felt okay, but at night I would miss her so much that I cried myself to sleep.

I felt like a piece of me has been taken away and could not live without it. I started failing in school, I become a troublesome child. I wanted nobody but her, and she was no more. As a child,  I started having an imaginary mind. I made friends with the stars and the moon, I would talk to them every day.

Every time I felt like I needed to talk, they were there. They were my hope, my shoulder to cry off. They never left me to be alone. I believed they were listening and understood everything I said or felt. It was just our own world where nothing mattered but us. I got used to the idea of believing they were there.

Until this other day, when things stopped making sense. Everything went back to square one, every dark emotion hit me hard. My mind could not stop thinking negative thoughts, I believed everything that my mind told me. I felt like am nothing, am felt useless. I tried to stop my mind from believing that I did not have the power to.

I tried to talk to the stars and the moon, It did not help. That day I felt like they were not listening.  I tried to sleep I could not,  something was just not right. Everything felt like it was my fault, everything little wrong thing. My mind was at a state that I could not control.

I was pushed to the limit. I started experiencing a major headache. I decided to take a pain block, then the headache was gone. But I could not stop thinking and crying. My eyes were red in color and have swollen from the crying. My chest was full of rage, and it wanted to get out.

I hated everything, nothing seemed to make me feel better.  I just wanted everything to stop, if I could just sleep.  Sleeping stops the mind from thinking and stops the tears. I just could not fall asleep. I wanted to stop feeling the pain, and I only saw one way out. That was to drug my self to sleep.

Once I get my mind fixed on something, nothing can stop me until I reach my goal. My sister was in her room, my little sister was watching cartoons. I took a bunch of pain killers and went to my room. I started drinking them one by one until I lost count.

The next thing, my throat became dry, everything seemed blurred. I couldn’t feel my skin, I felt all numb. I started feeling dizzy and weak but did not stop taking the pills.  Suddenly everything went dark and silent just like I wanted. My mind was quick, the thoughts were gone. There was just peace in my soul.

Gone for hours,  the quietness was so peaceful. Then boom, lights are back on, people are talking and I am moving.  I could not make sense of any words they were saying,  got connected to the flushing machines. For hours nothing made sense, I could not see anyone but I could hear that people were there.

Things came back to life,  I opened my eyes my mom was there. My sisters, people in uniform and then.  What is happening? I just wanted to sleep, that’s it. I just wanted everything to be quiet that is all. I was not trying to kill myself, I just wanted things to be quiet. I was booked into counseling, never believed that talking helps. I attended to it, after a while I stopped going. I was not ready to let my grandmother go, but I had to. A day came where I heard her voice say “I will always be with you”. Since then I do not have to let her go, because she did say she is always with me. All is well.

Story by:

Happiness Phaahla

Instagram: @happiness114

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